my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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