textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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