Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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