I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
