i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
