The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
