I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
