I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
