i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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