I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
