so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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