Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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