I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize