you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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