My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
