Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
