You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
