I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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