How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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