What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
