What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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