And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
