And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize