She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
