Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize