He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
