So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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