I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
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