man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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