The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
So many bounce houses so little time
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
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