im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
