you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
