Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
