I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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