I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
