His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Randomize
