His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
