you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
