hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
