I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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