watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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