You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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