hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
