i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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