Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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