Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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