Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
