how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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