So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize