Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
