So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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