my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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