In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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