Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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