No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Is Oprah even human
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
