i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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