dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
