Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
