i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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