Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
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