I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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