this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
